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October 19th, 2005

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12:05 am - The exodus of friends continues . . .

diavola restroom

One of the side effects of being Evil Incarnate . . .

~~ sighs ~~

~~ twirls her pointy tail ~~

~~ sings Voltaire's "When You're Evil" to cheer herself up ~~

~~ twirls her pointy tail some more ~~

~~ starts to read "Pariah-hood for Dummies" ~~
Current Mood: sadresigned
Current Music: "When You're Evil" by Voltaire

(34 seeds eaten | Eat a pomegranate)


[User Picture]
Date:October 19th, 2005 10:45 pm (UTC)

Re: attempting to be a voice of reason...

Due to comment length restrictions, my reply will have to be in several parts. Sorry about that.

I'm sure I'm saying some unpleasant things. I'm not saying them to insult or to injure. I'm saying them because I'm concerned, and I don't like to see you in pain, and in order to address that, these things need to be talked about.

I agree -- and that is the heart of the problem here -- lack of communication and differing definitions of certain terms -- definitions that have been inadequately communicated, causing multiple misunderstandings and misinterpretations. And a lot of pain -- pain that might have been avoided if all parties had been "on the same page".

I thank you for your concern and I appreciate it deeply -- maybe more than you realize. I can see that you are doing the best you know how to make things better -- and I appreciate that deeply also.

If your binary switch flips, and you need to stop being friends with me, I'll understand...I lose quite a bit of friends that way. But I don't get the impression that's the kind of relationship we have, so I don't feel in danger of that at the moment.

You aren't in any danger of that -- not from me.

Them choosing one side or another I'm sure has little or nothing to do with social connections or being friends with folks.

There we might have to agree to disagree. Some of the people involved have been friends with others for years longer than those others have known me (decades in some cases) -- and are also much closer friends than with me. There are several people who are like that involved in this.

Were I to be at a gathering, say at someone's house, where there are several of these people present, there would end up being an underlying current of disharmony -- a disruption of the wa of the group -- due to me. The others get along fine without me -- but if I am around, I would be bringing tension and disharmony in by my very presence.

I am only one person -- there are several others who get along fine with one another, but not with me. One versus several -- who is it better not to have around for the overall harmony of the group?

Answer -- the one. It is the logical choice, given the circumstances. "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. Or the one."

Some have already disassociated themselves from me -- frankly I expect others to follow. In some cases, I have decided that even if I am invited to certain events, it would be best not to come, for the afore-mentioned reason -- to me it would not be right to spoil an event for others by my being present and causing there to be social tension. This has already been communicated to one person, so she would know the reason why I would be declining her kind invitations to me -- and it will also be communicated to others, if need be, on an as-needed basis. To me, it is the right thing to do -- I have no desire to be a party pooper or to feel that my presence is unwanted.

You might claim that that is "a very high school mentality" -- and to a certain extent you would be correct. High school is a living laboratory for adolescents to practice the group dynamics of social interactions that take place in the adult world. These exact same interactions take place constantly among adults -- but there they are often referred to as "internal politics". I have no desire to be a "political problem" -- certainly no more so than I already am!!

[User Picture]
Date:October 19th, 2005 11:31 pm (UTC)

Re: attempting to be a voice of reason...

I am only one person -- there are several others who get along fine with one another, but not with me. One versus several -- who is it better not to have around for the overall harmony of the group?

No one has yelled at you, told you you are being stupid, or said that they can't be friends with you. Not until you became hostile. You are choosing to be a "political problem" by insisting that everyone must hate you, because no one is listening to you. In reality, people have contacted you and apologized to you. You have responded with harshness and anger.

I'm not saying you don't have a right to be angry. I'm saying that it seems to be natural to you to jump to victim status at the earliest opportunity, thereby creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Life does not have to be like this. Things can change if you want them to. But you have to look at it and SEE it. Right now it's like you're doing anything to NOT see it. I'll explain in the other post.
[User Picture]
Date:October 20th, 2005 12:40 am (UTC)

Re: attempting to be a voice of reason...

In reality, people have contacted you and apologized to you.

Well -- here I think we have a difference of opinion as to what constitutes an apology.

Saying "I'm sorry you were upset by this situation" to me is NOT the same as saying "I'm sorry that things that I did made you upset." To me the first is much, much weaker -- not really an apology at all. It is more an expression of regret at hurt feelings, but (to me) not taking any responsibility for having done anything to cause those hurt feelings. To me, that is not an apology.

If I had received a sincere "I'm sorry my actions upset you" apology, my reaction would have been different.

I have also only heard from one person here -- not the other. At all.

I'm not saying you don't have a right to be angry.

Thank you very much for having said that!

The feedback I had been receiving from others was that because I was a secondary, I had no right whatsoever to be upset. And that attitude got me even more upset.


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