Persephone Yavanna the Entwife (theentwife) wrote,
Persephone Yavanna the Entwife

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Death Eater Rules & Regulations

These were originally posted at hp100 in a series of posts, some under the community's death eaters r&r tag, some not, so I thought I'd combine them into one post for the enjoyment of those who read this LiveJournal.

Death Eater Rules & Regulations

1. The Dark Lord’s word is law.

2. Acceptable names for the Dark Lord - The Dark Lord or Lord Voldemort only.

3. While the Dark Lord appreciates loyalty, He asks that you refrain from wearing shirts proclaiming your Death Eater status (this means you, Goyle) in public.

4. Don’t piss Bella off. She kills people.

5. Kill the Muggles, the Mudbloods, Dumbledork, and anyone else who gets in our way. Except for Potter, of course. If you encouter Potter, bungle the encounter. The Dark Lord will finish him when He is ready.

6. Whoever continues to eat the Dark Lord’s tandoori chicken – The Dark Lord knows all and sees all, and you will be dealt with severely. It was clearly labeled. If the refrigerator can’t be used responsibly, the privilege will be revoked.

7. Broomsticks bearing decals supporting Quidditch teams and local shops are not to be used on official business outings.

8. Remember who we are. The elite of society do not make book on the fates of prisoners.

9. Death Eater robes are black. They are not: canary yellow, pink, sea foam, orange, baby blue, nor ecru. Please refer to your Handbook, the section entitled Official Dress Code, to prevent further errors.

10. All identifying characteristics should be fully concealed by robes and hoods in public. These include, but are not limited to: scars, body shape, and one's long, silvery hair.

11. Endeavour to sound threatening. Repeating your potential victim's name once per sentence doesn't sound threatening. It makes you sound like a slightly giddy fangirl.

12. When casting the Dark Mark, do so ONLY a) when someone's dead and b) when you're about to leave. It's a symbol of terror, not a billboard saying, "WE ARE HERE."

13. If you kill another Death Eater by accident, the Dark Lord will have the same accident with you.

14. Tarantallegra does not constitute an Unforgivable.

15. Practice your curses. Remember, we're going to be attacking Harry Potter again this year. In June.

16. The dragons in the basement are in training and are not to be fed people food.

17. How many times must we remind you all not to take candy from strangers??? This is not, as you may think, a devious method of helping a few of you to lose weight (although that is not to say it wouldn’t be a good idea for some). It is merely a precaution to help you avoid getting caught by the Ministry. Remember: they know about your sweet tooth.

18. Please take advantage of the Lestranges’ workshop: "Crucio 101: A Lesson in Torturing" this Saturday from 5-7 pm.

19. Re: the Death Eater Broom Shed: Any broom parked in the space labelled “Reserved for Voldemort” will be reduced to dust, as will its owner.

20. Do NOT waste Unforgiveables. Killing curses should either hit their mark or be squarely aimed at their target. This is a war. We do not have time to make the Mudbloods play Avada KePolka.

21. A note to all new Death Eaters: No pain potion in existence is effective on the burning of Dark Marks. Do not attempt use. And the next dark wizard seen with Calamine Lotion will receive the Cruciatus Curse.

22. The spell is "Avada Kedavra." It is not "Aveda Kadarva," "Avadra Kedvra," "Avodah Kevadra," or any other variation thereof. If you can't pronounce it, don't cast it. We are not trying to kill the opposition with laughter.

23. Despite the fact that, as a group, we're dedicated to purity of blood, the Dark Lord would like to remind all of you that he has werewolves, giants, vampires, Dementors, and Inferi in his employ, and all are expected to work with them. The Death Eaters are an equal opportunity organization.

24. We're not evil. That's Order propaganda. We're "differently moral."

25. Please stop stealing quills from the supply cabinet. We have a limited number of owls, and our eagle owls are rapidly becoming bald eagle owls.

26. If you see a gray tabby cat, KILL IT. Don’t ask. Just do it.

27. Fenrir Grayback has requested that you all stop humming “Werewolves of London” under your breath every time he walks by. It is neither clever nor funny.

28. The mints in the lobby are for guests. They are not free candy. (See prev., re: sweet tooth.)

29. There is NO Death Eater Anthem. Death Eaters do not sing. Ever.

30. We are all aware of Lucius Malfoy’s cane, but please, for the love of Merlin, don’t call it a ‘pimp cane’. Lucius has permission from the Dark Lord to bitch slap anyone who does such.

31. The only one of the Death Eaters that is allowed to have a nickname is Peter, who sometimes will be referred to as Wormtail. No others are permitted to have cool nicknames. (Sorry Goyle your request has been turned down for the nickname of Gravedigger.)

32. If in doubt, kill them, unless they’re another Death Eater. And no, you may not Crucio Bella.

32a. If you do lose your head and decide to Crucio Bella regardless of the previous warning, we strongly suggest that you do not miss with your curse.

32b. If, having not missed with your Crucio curse, you actually manage to stun Bella, we highly encourage you to follow your curse up with a quick Avada Kedavra.

32c. If you miss, you better run like hell. Bella doesn’t miss. Ever.

32d. If you do not miss, you better run like hell. The Dark Lord doesn’t miss either and, if He does miss, it was on purpose.

33. Engorgio’s intended use is on animals, inanimate objects, etc. It is not for use on any parts of your anatomy.

34. Nagini would not make a good snake skin anything. Don’t even think about it! The Dark Lord knows all.

35. The Dark Lord does knows all. He’s like Santa Claus, without the round belly, beard, or sack full of toys.

35a. Do not ask the Dark Lord if he is Santa Claus. This will result in the Avada Kedavra curse being used on you.

35b. None of the house elves are related to Santa’s Elves.

36. When explaining the Incident of Halloween 1981 to new recruits, DON'T use the words "beaten by a baby" unless you're longing to be beaten to a pulp.

37. If you're a Death Eater, it's inadvisable for you to fall in love with, date, marry or impregnate any of the following:

a. Mudbloods (male or female);
b. Blood traitors, particularly red-headed Weasley-types (male or female);
c. The prophesied saviour of the wizarding world.

And yes, Draco Malfoy, we ARE talking to you.

38. Lord Voldemort is a magnificent Dark Lord. He does NOT need to read the Evil Overlord List.

39. Should a Death Eater refer to the Dementors as “Ring Wraiths,” s/he will be beaten, healed, beaten, healed, made to endure an evening with Bella, Obliviated, made to endure an evening with Bella, and AK’d.

40. The Death Eater who references “The Dark Lord Sauron,” will not be so lucky.

41. Elves are not willowy and attractive. They are grubby little peons, and we like them that way.

42. Dumbledore shan’t be returning, White, Gray, or otherwise. There will be no monochromatic resurrection. (Besides, the Dark Lord thwarts death frequently. He ought to be “Voldemort the Plaid” by now.)

43. For the love of evil, Wormtail, don’t touch anything.

44. No pets allowed in the office, with exceptions being granted in relation to the following: ravens, black cats, newts. Turtles are not appropriate for the workplace, nor are guinea pigs, and any employee who so much as mentions “bunnies” will be sent for immediate disembowelment.

45. DE Inc. takes no responsibility for articles (i.e., limbs, lives) lost upon calling Fenrir Greyback a “pet”.

45a. Subsequently, DE Inc is not responsible for any emotional damage sustained from Wormtail’s endless whining should you refer to him as the same.

46. You are only permitted to have sex with the werewolves on our side, no matter how alluring Lupin appears.

47. Black eyeliner is encouraged exclusively for our female members.

48. If aprons must be worn, they will be dark and foreboding. Severus, please stop using that pink one with the frills.

49. A note to our younger employees: leaving banana peels outside the Gryffindor dormitory is not evil enough to achieve merit. Likewise, we do not offer badges for tasks completed, points of any kind, or stickers.

50. Those vibrating spikes are for TORTURING people, Lucius. Desist at once.

51. No one shall mention that Moldy’s mortal enemy is many years younger than he is.

52. Or that he is better looking

53. Nor shall it be mentioned that he is clever.

54. And no one will refer to enemy's creative genius trash, as displayed in this memo.

55. Someone will however, tell me how he got a hold of my gel pens.

56. And the passwords.

57. And the memo paper

58. Not to mention past Bella

59. This breach in security will be thought of as intentional.

60. In the future, hold him in the dungeons.

70. Peter return the pens.

71. 'Yo Mama' is not clever banter.

72. Baked goods brought in for the purpose of celebrating birthdays may NOT be shaped like eyeglasses.

73. Please refrain from amusing yourselves with 'talking hands'. It hurts the organization's image, Bella.

74. Pinching Draco Malfoy in the vestibule is not appropriate workplace conduct, no matter how much he enjoys it.

75. Re: Tuesday's meeting. It is not funny to refer to a visit by a certain family as 'getting Crabbes at the weekend'.

76. Harry Potter is NOT 'kind of sweet, actually'.

77. ‘Abracadabra’ will NOT be this year’s rally anthem. Stop asking.

78. Please keep your masks firmly attached when out in public terrorizing people. Remember, you’re a representative of us all (this means you, Crabbe), and we’re meant to be Anonymous.

79. Note that scratching one’s nose while wearing a mask will cause it to slip unless it is anchored in some way other than hair grease.

80. ‘Anonymous’ does not mean ‘Anony-rat;’ stop pointing and laughing at Pettigrew. How did I know? I’m the DARK LORD.

81. ‘I have to go, I have a Death Eater meeting’ is not the way to excuse oneself from a dinner party. Honestly, people.

82. The next time someone uses the phrase ‘like trying to cast Avada Kedavra on a baby’ they will be turned into a rat. A female rat. Wormtail is lonely, and we’re all sick of his sniveling. You’ve been warned.

84. The attempt to discover the Dark Lord’s greatest fear by smuggling a Boggart into His quarters (hereafter referred to as ‘His lair’) was not appreciated. Any mentions of ‘rubber duckies’ or bath toys will hereafter be answered with a Cruciatus Curse to the offender’s Unspeakables, if you catch the drift.

85. I really mean it. No ducks. Or else.

85a. If you must have a duck, please don’t let it loose in the Dark Lord’s swimming pool.

85b. We are not responsible for anything that happens to your duck if it is left loose around Greyback, or Bella.

85c. Why in the bloody hell would you want a duck? There’s nothing remotely scary, or foreboding about them.

86. The only one to break out into random maniacal laughter is the Dark Lord. No exceptions.

87. If a creature who looks like a house elf walks around saying, ‘my precious’ and petting their hand, report it immediately.

88. The mandatory Dark Mark is not a violation of Slytherin cunning and is not to be questioned.

89. Nor are past plots marred by Harry Potter's survival to be discussed.

90. The Dark Lord's Memos are also law.

91. Holidays are not opportunities to discuss future dark plans.

92. Sleeping with the enemy is tolerated only when you get information from them.

93. Killing an arch enemy does not give one the right to act superior (this goes for both Bella and Severus)

Questions are from this point on to be handled by Bella.

94. No flirting with Rodolphus. Refer to #4.

95. ‘Bella’ means beautiful not ‘horny.’ I have no intentions of taking any of you up on your offers. Refer to #4.

96. The elder Malfoy (foolishly) would like me to inform you that ‘Lucius’ does interchange with ‘lucious,’ and that he has every intention of taking up on any offers.

96a. Lucius is married to my sister, however. Refer to #4.

97. I remind anyone tempted to use bad pickup lines on me that Regulus Black’s body was never found. ”You’re the brightest star in my constellation,” UGH. Refer to #4.

98. Peter's animagus form is a rat, not a rabbit, stalking through the manor yelling ‘Here hasenpfeffer’ at 4 am; no matter how amusing it may be, will be dealt with severely. Are we quite understood, Greyback?

99. Furthermore, tormenting Wormtail with the betrayal and subsequent death of his old friends IS permitted but only when the Dark Lord is around to enjoy it.

100. Whoever snuck into the Dark Lord's lair and stole his teddy bear ... err newest vaudun (voodoo) project... had better return it immediately or suffer a long crucio session with Bella followed by a quick Avada.

101. Whoever keeps setting the rat traps – good initiative, but please do consider that one of our followers is often, in fact, a rat?

102. Severus Snape is evil. The Dark Lord has discussed this with him in great detail, and is very pleased to report that he remains quite evil. Any discussion to the contrary is expressly forbidden.

(Please note that I did a little editing and re-numbering since there were duplicate numbers from different authors -- 101 and 102 were originally a duplicate 7 and 8. There are also no R&Rs #61-69 -- the author of that part went straight from 60 to 70.)

My favorites are #24's “differently moral” and #42's “Voldemort the Plaid” -- I'm sure the Tom/Minerva shippers love that image!
Tags: potterverse
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